Who's that pervert in the mirror?

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The Think Lechery Test for Prague expats

Have you ever wanted to see just how desperate and pathetic you are? How salacious, salivating, and smutty? How lewd, lusty and lascivious you are in your daily life? Well, now you can smell for yourself.

Below you'll find a comprehensive list of questions for you to answer honestly and openly. Take this perverse quiz with your friends!! Great party conversation starter! See who out of your circle merits being known as a "super sleaze". Perhaps it's you?

Disclaimer: Although this test is based on actual experiences, the questions in this test do not reflect the attitudes, religious beliefs and/or social habits of the writer, the editorial staff or the advertisers of this fine publication.

SCORING: On a separate sheet of paper, count one mark for each "yes". Some questions provide more than one opportunity. Make one mark for each "yes".

TRANSPORTATION
1) Have you ever stopped walking up a metro escalator just to get a few extra moments drooling at someone coming down the other side?
2) Have you ever ogled at more than one person going the opposite way on the escalator on one trip up or down?
3) Have you ever positioned yourself 'just so' on a metro platform just for a view? Followed someone into a metro car?
4) Have you ever caught yourself staring on the night tram?
5) Have you ever stared at someone on the night tram who is clearly going home with someone else? (bonus "yes" if they stared back).

NIGHTLIFE

1) Have you ever stopped on Charles' Bridge and stared at the girls dancing at Lavka? (Stopping to mock them counts too).
2) Have you ever been to Lavka because of those dancers you can see from the bridge?
3) Have you ever been to Lavka by yourself? Chateau by yourself? Jo's Bar by yourself?
4) Have you ever lied about your actual opinions of Chateau, Jo's or lavka? Or lied about your frequency of going there? Has a member of the bar staff ever greeted you by name?
5) Do you enter Chateau once or more than once a week? More than three times a week?
6) Do you find yourself regularly one of the last people left in Jo's Bar? Or, have you ever seen Jo's Garaz with the lights on?
7) Have you ever played Truth or Dare in Battalion Music Club?
8) Do you stare at the people in Radost Cafe on the way in and out?
9) Have you ever been to U Zlateho Stromu (At the Golden Tree, the club with the signboard out front with a naked chick with impossible nipples. aka: "Titty fo' Fi'ty")?
10) Have you ever asked a member of the bar staff for his or her phone number?
11) Tipped bigger than you might have because of the sexiness of the server?
12) Tipped bigger than you might have because of a tight article of clothing?
13) Have you ever selected a chair in a bar, especially because of its 'view'?
14) Have you ever hit on someone outside the Jo's Bar women's bathroom?
15) Have you ever danced to music that you hate for lecherous reasons?
16) Have you ever simulated any sexual act on any Prague dance floor?

HITTING THE BRICKS

1) Do you catch yourself staring at the hard nipples on the mannequins?
2) Have you ever gone the long way through a park just to see if there was anyone sunbathing in the nude?
3) Have you ever had a conversation with a prostitute?
4) Have you ever stopped walking during a conversation with a prostitute?
5) Have you ever checked out the Vaclavske Namesti hot dog girls? Checked out a cop? a cab driver?
6) Have you ever tried to butter someone up with a beautiful view of Prague?
7) Has it worked? More than once at the same spot?

POTPOURRI

1) Have you ever hit on a 'Marketa'?
2) Have you ever given a cigarette to an extremely sexy fifteen-year-old, talked to him/her for hours, made out with him/her in the bathroom, paid for all his/her drinks, and then never seen him/her again (see Disclaimer).
3) Have you ever told yourself "I'm going to start studying Czech again," for less than virtuous reasons?
4)Have you ever taught English or Czech with ulterior motives? If you've ever made a "no" means "yes" joke, add a point to your score.
5) Have you ever reconsidere3d your opinion on the sexiness of Jaromir Jagr's hair style (aka Hockey Hair)?
6) Have you ever, for a less0than-virtious reason, wished you had sunglasses on? Selected dark lenses for the same reason?
7) Have you ever channel-surfed Czech television stations in search of late night porn, dubbed into Czech? Are you familiar with the TV Nova weather girl?
8) Have you ever channel-surfed Czech television late at night and ended up watching that cop show starring Archie Bunker?

CALCULATING YOU LEWDNESS PERCENTAGE

Add up the total number of "Yes" answers, multiply that total by 2. This is your percentage. You are 56% Pervert, 38% Depraved, 88% Stained, etc..

00-20: You're probably lying, but if you're not, you can go ahead and throw the first stone. What are you doing in Prague?

22-40: You're still probably lying, and you're only cheating yourself. You're about as lecherous as Emmanuel Lewis of Webster fame, MArgaret Thatcher and Don Knotts.

42-60: Not too tart, not too sweet. Make up your mind, buy yourself a fifth of Fernet, some dark shades and vault yourself up to the next lever. Being average sucks.

62-80: A respectable score. Nothing (much) to be ashamed of.

82-90: Top quintile.

92-98: If you were a cow, your milk would be a foul, brackish syrup of perversion and filth. good luck!

100: Perfect score! The drool flows from your pores like Czech beer from a tap, like oil from the Middle East, like the mighty waters of the Vltava. Join Bill Clinton, Wolfgang and Larry's from Three's Company on the Championship Podium. There should be a plaque dedicated to you on the wall at Chateau, so that everyone will know who you are (and stay the hell away).

Unhappy with the results? Remember: Practice makes Pervert!

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